Sixty-Four: Better Dead Than Red?

My friend has rented a haunted apartment on the second floor of an old house.

So, of course, we have to bring in the "Most Haunted" team to investigate!

The room with the ghost in it is the bathroom and the energy manifests itself into a floating fire in the shower -- making it impossible to be clean on a regular basis. First we try a fireman, who has dragged a hose up through the house to the second floor and has trained water on the fire. It's almost working but there's still an eerie presence and the fireman soon loses his nerve and has to leave.

No problem, because sensitive psychic Ian is now on the scene to guide the "spirit person" to the "light", etc... etc... He's trying his best, but it's soon making him cry and then -- horror! -- he announces that there's a second ghost come into the room [the bathroom, by the way, not the biggest room in the house] and it's an evil one. That's it for me. I run down the stairs with Ian close behind, although he stops to explain to the "Most Haunted" camera that this is probably the toughest one he's ever had to face.

[I've got to stop watching that stupid show ... however it being television, I figured Ian Lawman qualified as a celebrity of sorts]

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I live [or maybe I'm just working] in North Carolina and there's a war going on between blue states and red states. My little brother and I have tunneled out of a room in North Carolina and are making our way "across the border" [I guess states have merged or something] into Mississippi to do some spying. We're passing through a path in the woods, when we come upon a man with prosthetic legs. He's jogging and I start to mention how incredible that is, when he brings out a whistle and blows it loudly. The brother and I quickly part ways and run for it. I make it down to a university stadium where piles of clothes are set up along the yard lines. These are for the soldiers who are grouped together nearby, all of them wearing red armor. I try to blend in with the civilians as best as I can, and I even start to sing along on the pep song -- which sounds like a cross between a military march and an alma mater. Among the words are "Judge not or else you can expect to be judged" and other Christian ethics, which I can't remember exactly now. Naturally, the idea of soldiers singing such hypocritical lyrics soon makes me cry. My walk takes me around to the podium where President Bush is leading the singing. I take the microphone from him and stop the singing with: "What's the matter with you people! You're singing about Christian love and God and judgment and you're about to go out there and kill people who are JUST LIKE YOU and who live in this country JUST LIKE YOU! I don't understand it at all..." I return the microphone, but Bush gives me the eye ... he knows I'm from a blue state. Fuck it, I decide as I walk away. Come and get me, reds.